Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs

It is that time of the year again when we begin to think about curating our Christmas playlists. Perhaps you need some tunes for the big day, or just for getting in the holiday spirit. But, how do you decide what makes the cut when there are covers upon covers of all the most popular Christmas songs? Unfortunately, I cannot help you there, but what I can do is tell you which songs to steer well clear of over the festive season with my top 10 worst Christmas songs.

10. Christopher Lee – ‘Silent Night’

This heavy metal cover of ‘Silent Night’ from the film legend, Christopher Lee (yes, the one who played Dracula), comes in at number ten, just because of how strange it is. Lee was 90 years old at the time of recording but that does not stop him from absolutely smashing the guitar solo, which is the stand out aspect of the track. However, the pace and tone of the vocals fail to mesh with the grinding guitar, as does the whole point of the song – that it is a ‘silent night’ – cementing its place on this list.

9. Nat King Cole – ‘The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot’

My dad absolutely loves this song and every year we fight over whether it gets played or not. Instrumentally, it is a stereotypical Nat King Cole Christmas song, containing the mellow strings we expect to hear. What I have a problem with is how utterly miserable the song is, telling the story of a boy who gets no toys for Christmas, despite only asking for ‘soldiers and a drum.’ He is forced to watch as other children play with their new gifts from Santa before going home to ‘last year’s broken toys.’ If you want to bring a bummer to your bubble this Christmas then by all means include it on the playlist, but I would advise skipping this complete mood ruiner.

8. Chris Kamara – ‘Oh Come, All Ye Faithful’

Whilst most of Chris Kamara’s second Christmas album is not great, this has to be the worst song on there for me. The former footballer turned musician gives the traditional carol his best shot but falls incredibly short, attempting to give the classic a jazz makeover. It just does not work and I do not think it will be catching on anytime soon, especially because the original is both better and more popular.

7. The Killers – ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa’

I may be a big fan of The Killers, but even I am not impressed with this song. Released in 2007, it sounds exactly the same as a lot of songs off their album Sam’s Town, which came out the year prior. Plus, it follows the bizarre concept that the singer is some kind of psychopath, who Santa has come to kill as a punishment for his bad behaviour, giving a completely new perspective to the idea of ‘naughty or nice.’ If you are after some Christmas cheer, you definitely will not find it here.

6. My Chemical Romance – ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’

As an angsty teenager, I loved My Chemical Romance’s hardcore cover of the Mariah Carey classic. However, looking back on it now, nothing beats the original, especially an anger-filled and, at times, painful rendition that completely divorces the lyrics from the sound. If I could go back in time and stop myself from listening to this over and over again, trust me, I would.

5. Spike Jones & His City Slickers – ‘All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth’

Apparently, this song was popular when it first came out in 1948 and I fail to understand why. A grown man doing the vocals pretending to be a child is both annoying and very creepy, though I gather that it is supposed to be cute. Perhaps if they had used an actual child it would have been less weird, though no doubt the whistling noises that punctuate almost every line would still be unsettling to listen to.

4. All of David Hasselhoff’s 2004 Christmas album The Night Before Christmas

I tried to pick just one song from this album to include on this list but they are all so terrible that the entire thing comes in at number four. The Hoff tries his best to put a spin on the Christmas favourites but, unfortunately, his vocals are somewhat lacking, even if his enthusiasm is not. Highlights of the album include the questionable rendition of ‘Feliz Navidad,’ complete with an attempt at a Spanish accent, and a version of ‘Deck The Halls’ that begins with a capella and is backed by a gospel choir.

3. Lil Gee – ‘When Was Jesus Born?’

Featured on Snoop Dogg’s Christmas album, Christmas In The Dogghouse, Lil Gee’s contribution to Christmas music can only be described as lyrically disappointing. If you were unaware that Jesus was born in December, this is the song for you, as the chorus consists of the line ‘Tell Me When Was Jesus Born / Last Month of the Year’ repeated over and over. In case you still are not sure, he then goes on to clarify: ‘Wasn’t January, (No) / February, (No) / March, April or May (No No No),’ and so on. If you want some rap on your Christmas playlist, I would start looking elsewhere.

2. Lady Gaga – ‘Christmas Tree’

Lady Gaga has created some absolute bangers over the years – ‘Poker Face,’ ‘Born This Way,’ and ‘Applause’ to name a few. This is not one of them. The whole song is one big innuendo set to a terrible beat and sung emotionlessly. Containing lines such as ‘Light me up, put me on top / Let’s fa la la la la, la la la la’ and ‘Oh-oh, a Christmas / My Christmas tree’s delicious,’ you might want to avoid playing this one when your nan is round.

1. Michael Bublé – ‘Santa Baby’

At number one we have the absolute crime that is Michael Bublé’s version of ‘Santa Baby.’ This is due to the altered lyrics. Eartha Kitt’s ’54 convertible […] light blue’ becomes ‘steel blue,’ because apparently light blue is not manly enough, whilst the ‘duplex and checks’ become ‘Canucks tix.’ Most egregiously, Bublé avoids calling Santa ‘baby’ by alternating between ‘dude,’ ‘buddy,’ ‘pally,’ and worst of all, ‘poppy.’ Arguably the latter has even weirder connotations than if he had just stuck to the original lyrics. By trying to avoid sounding like he is seducing Santa, Bublé wrecks the spirit of the classic tune, fails to live up to the high expectations set by Eartha Kitt and Kylie Minogue, and creates the worst Christmas song known to humanity.