Redbrick News and Footnotes collaborate to create news satire
Disclaimer: These are all works of fiction.
5 best study spaces that will make you ask, ‘Why don’t we just go to the library?’
Will Chapman, Footnews Writer
- Aston Webb Study Space – It’s quiet, it’s the perfect temperature, and it’s fitted with seats and plugs!
- Mason Lounge in the Arts Building – The happening place for those of you who might want a chat, but it’s still a great place for working. Comfy seats, good Wi-Fi, plugs, and…get this, SOFAS! Get comfy and get learning!
- Physics block study space – plugs, seats, Wi-Fi, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud…
- Eh. Why do I bother? You’re just going to go to the library anyway. It’s so big. It comes with a whole café. So sure some of the plugs don’t work, but you’re gonna get a seat, you’re gonna be comfy enough. No one wants to sit on a sofa and write an essay. Hell, I’m sitting in the library right now. I didn’t go to any of these study spaces. What, am I gonna spend my time scouring and studying all across this university? For Footnews? No. The library is a giant golden beacon of learning, and I cannot escape its enduring pull. And nor can you.
- (Continued) I mean, have you tried going to a study space? It’s hellish. Can you talk or not? No one knows, but there’s definitely a group sat next to you who reckon they know the answer. This list isn’t going to convince you to go somewhere else. Just go to the library.
- Law Building – COFFEE MACHINE!!!
The university faculty welcomes the Return of the Dark Lord after centuries of waiting – the sacrifices have finally paid off!
Hamza Khawaja, Footnews Writer
Earlier this week, the blood sigil of the crescent moon was spotted hovering in the mist above Old Joe, which can only mean one thing! The Dark Lord has returned, much to the joy and celebration of professors across campus.
Head of Arts and Law professor, Dr Lucifer Baddie, comments “Thank Satan, I’ve been waiting for so long for this day – you know how hard it is to find time to make summoning circles whilst lecturing? It’s bloody difficult.”
Many critics have argued that this will affect students’ mental health. There have already been reports of freshers experiencing strange and prophetic dreams about failing their exams and rivers of blood, although this is yet to be confirmed to be a result of the Dark Lord’s return and could just be normal exam season stress.
Ever since the founding of the University, it was said that the Dark Lord would one day return to complete his work of total demonic corruption of the West Midlands, with many claiming that this has already happened – citing the existence of the Muirhead tower as evidence of demonic presence on campus. These claims have been rejected by the University but now it seems hard to argue as the building itself has begun to transmogrify into a fleshy meat pyramid, consisting of sinew, muscle and bone.
Whilst the future of the University has been thrown into uncertainty as the Dark Lord takes his seat on the University Council, there is one thing we can be sure of.
The University will be changing for better or for worse.
In other news, see how this Eldritch event will lead to savings on Camus Halloween decorations on page 666.
‘£97 on Jägerbombs isn’t that excessive’ and other lies to tell yourself
Ankita Dash, News Editor
It’s the end of the semester, and stress is piling up faster than your searches on Stack Overflow. So, there you are, buried in notes and deadlines, when your friends suggest a break at Heidi’s.
You all huddle there, a bunch of tired souls seeking refuge from the academic outpour. As you drown your sorrows in Jägerbombs, the bartender hands you the receipt – a jaw-dropping £97. Panic knocks, but you decide to give it a rain check.
You take a sip and boldly say, ‘£97 on Jägerbombs is practically a student discount.’ You dive into a pool of self-deceptive logic, convincing yourself that this is a crucial investment.
Turning to your friend, you declare, ‘It’s like I’m paying tuition for a crash course in stress management, you know?’ They laugh, and you press on. ‘Supporting the local economy is my civic duty. The bartender is on a noble quest for a mixology degree.’
You continue, ‘Jägerbombs are basically brain vitamins. I’m boosting my IQ, one shot at a time.’ Their sceptical look can’t burst your bubble – you need this.
Next morning, nursing a headache that could literally end you, you can’t help but grin. Your wallet’s on a diet, but the memories of that night, the laughs, and surviving exams together? Worth every penny. Sometimes, a £97 splurge on temporary relief is just the ticket to sail through the academic storm, smiling all the way.
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