Redbrick News and Footnotes collaborate to create news satire
Disclaimer: These are all works of fiction.
‘You will have fun at Fab, this time,’ says devil on your shoulder, in yet another lie
Ankita Dash, News Editor
Organised under the guise of a ‘university party’, it promises students a break from the mundane – a chance to let loose and dance away their existential dread. But beware, dear scholars, for the devil on your shoulder might just be spinning another web of lies.
As you contemplate attending Fab, the devil whispers sweet nothings into your ear, ‘You will have fun this time,’ it assures you, a sly grin playing on its demonic face. And so, with a mix of excitement and skepticism, you listen to the devil one last time, get to your feet and move towards the corridors of the guild.
Upon entering the venue, you are greeted by the pulsating beats of music that could only be described as a desperate attempt to bring life back to a playlist stuck in the early 2000s. Disguised as a DJ, the devil spins tracks that leave you questioning all your life choices as you attempt to dance to a rhythm that appears more a cry for help than a celebration.
The devil chuckles as students try to capture the perfect Instagram story, desperately masking the fact that Fab is less ‘fab’ and more like a failed experiment in recreational agony.
The devil on your shoulder, the master of deception, urges you to socialise and make connections. Yet, as you engage in awkward small talk with other partygoers, you can’t help but wonder if the devil finds satisfaction in watching students stumble through forced conversations and stairs.
As the devil on your shoulder cackles in triumph, you can’t help but reflect on the true nature of this so-called university party. Is it a celebration of youth or just another ploy to distract students from the impending doom of exams?
So, dear students, attend Fab at your own peril, for the devil’s promise of fun may just be the most academic fiction of them all.
Selly Oak train station announces price hike from free to ‘standard ticket price’
Ilina Jha, Culture Editor
Outrage has erupted in the student community as Selly Oak train station announces a huge price hike in train fares. What were once completely free tickets are now going to be raised to ‘standard ticket price’ – students will now have to fork out a whole £2.50.
Even more shocking is the announcement that ticket barriers and inspectors will be introduced. Selly Oak train station has been left to its own devices quite happily for many years, running without the presence of any members of the human species whatsoever – but that is all about to change.
Students will now have to physically scan their tickets to be allowed entry to the train station, or face the wrath of a potbellied, red-faced ticket inspector if they fail to comply.
Unsurprisingly, the news has shaken the student community to its core.
‘I’ve been using Selly Oak station for over two years, and never in a million years did I imagine that they would do something so terrible.’ said a final-year History student.
Similarly, a second-year Chemistry student broke down in tears as they told FootNews, ‘Not even the threatened closure of Snobs horrified me as much as this. I feel like my entire world has been rocked.’
FootNews reached out to Selly Oak train station for comment, but they would not permit us to speak to them unless we paid £2.50.
Guild Installs 1-Armed Bandits
Will Chapman, Footnews Writer
The Guild has begun its fundraising campaign with an appeal to the glitz and glamour of Las Vegas, by replacing all guild sofas with one armed bandits.
When questioned if this would reduce the ability of students to take a rest in the guild, their spokesperson assured: ‘Of course not – each slot machine comes with its own 360° spinning stool!’
When approached by Footnews about concerns that it makes the guild appear greedy, the spokesperson again made sure to emphasise that this was true.
‘Oh yeah. Yep, absolutely. They’re for profit…” The spokesperson then leaned into this reporter’s ear, whispering ‘…and little else.’ The reporter wasn’t quite sure how to take that. They then winked. Guild’s changed.
Aside from spreading a rumour about the mermaid fountain being ‘one of those ones where you should throw coins into it’, they are also planning to use the one-armed bandit profits to build over the Green Heart with Birmingham’s very own DOME panoramic screen.
Whilst allowing the Guild to spread their message of student empowerment far and wide over the West Midlands, it will also facilitate advertisements, on which they will advertise the Joe’s pizzas, and, most importantly, the one armed bandits ‘thus generating more profit, and then, you see where I’m going with this, UoB gold plated library.’
When asked if the 24/7 Elvis impersonator in the library entrance would be a distraction to students working there, the Guild stated simply ‘That’s showbiz baby!’, which they followed up with another wink.
What does that wink mean? Is it not showbiz? Is showbiz meant to mean something more than showbiz? We’re going on a date this Thursday.
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