Disclaimer: These articles are all works of fiction.

James Corden Visits Joe’s Bar, Thrown Out.

James Evenden

This week, James Corden caused outrage after he verbally abused the staff members at Joe’s Bar, after he claimed he wanted a type of drink that Joe’s does not serve.

Students in the bar at the time reported hearing Corden ask for ‘the beer I drank at Gavin and Stacey’s wedding’. Corden then proceeded to slam his fist down on the bar before launching into a rant about his role in the 2019 film Cats. The barman who was trying to serve Corden said that he was ‘talking about how he tried to be a method actor on the set and drink milk out of a bowl, and use a litterbox’. It is unclear whether Corden was inebriated at the time.

Foot-News approached the bouncer who threw Corden out for comment. The bouncer said that Corden ‘offered him a job on the next Carpool Karaoke’. He also commented that Corden said his team were planning to book ‘Elvis’ hologram’ to be a part of the well-known series.

Foot-News approached Elvis Presley’s estate for comment, but they declined to speak on the topic. The night of Corden’s appearance at Joe’s, a Brumfess was posted claiming to have spotted Corden passed out on Bristol Road.

University to Build KFC on Green Heart

Alex Taylor

The exciting new development plans to build a KFC in the centre of the Green Heart have been released. Funded by the University of Birmingham, the site will feature a state-of-the-art drive-through, alongside a statue of the Vice-Chancellor holding up a massive chicken. 

When contacted for a statement a very senior member of the University faculty said, ‘We were bored of the tent so we tore down that valuable study space to make room for something worthwhile’. 

When questioned regarding the financial hit of such an endeavour, the source added, ‘It was a tough choice between giving lecturers the money they deserve or building a massive KFC’. Alongside this, it was further suggested by the senior member of faculty (as he got into his Rolls Royce with a ‘Vice 4 Life’ bumper sticker), that due to the University’s financial hardship the veterinary science department will be donating most of the produce to the franchise, so ‘you never know what you’re going to get!’

@Maxime Lebrun

Redbrick Writers Strike

Benjamin Oakden

Issue 1527 of Redbrick has been left in serious jeopardy after a series of section editors announced their intention to strike. The decision comes after the Redbrick committee announced a series of closures of unprofitable sections. The striking editors also point out that their annual pay of £0.00 is well below the UK minimum wage of £9.50 an hour.

Treasurer Nikhil Handa has pleaded with the strikers that paying editors would only cause inflationary pressure that would cause Redbrick membership fees to rise, a process known to economists as a ‘wage-price spiral’. However, Dan Hunt’s controversial comments that editors that face lay-offs should “get on their bikes and find another student newspaper” has done little to quell the anger of the strikers.

The Redbrick committee has faced criticism for its use of divide-and-conquer tactics by promising the more profitable sections, like News and Comment, that they would not be shut down for the foreseeable future. As such, those sections have continued to publish, with section editors facing chants of ‘scab’ from the striking editors as they entered the Redbrick office. In spite of the committee’s determination to tackle the so-called ‘enemy within’, the strike has caused a serious shortage of articles for the remainder of the newspaper.

Landlords Arrange Marriages to Gain Monopoly Over Selly Streets this Valentine’s Day  

Joshua Herman

‘Landlord-on-Landlord courting’ is the word from the streets of Selly this Valentine’s Day, as property owners begin a feudal system of marriages in order to acquire more land. Landlord Terry, who has three husbands, has claimed a monopoly over Heeley Road and launched a war against Oakmans with the hopes of driving them out of his territory. 

One Oakmans spokesperson complained about landlord Terry’s antics, claiming: ‘He’s sending around fake contractors who steal laptops and freeze pipes.’ 

Terry chortled in response, saying, ‘I can’t be blamed if it’s winter!’ 

Terry has been described as ‘a sort of property manager Casanova.’ Other landlords have taken his lead and have been sighted searching for and wooing potential landlord bachelors. One landlord was seen singing ‘Make You Feel My Love’ by Bob Dylan on Tiverton Road. 

Another was seen handing out flyers that said ‘I may seem like I own the place, but my door is always open’, along with his phone number. Other such landlord chat-up lines have been reported. 

Gales and Circo have announced an exclusive landlord night.

‘Front Doors Don’t Need Locks’, says Landlord Through Window of New Bugatti

Will Chapman 

Your local landlord has been quoted recently, claiming that front doors really don’t need locks to be safe. ‘If they’re coming in, they’re coming in anyway, and what am I going to do? Shell out to replace a broken window? May as well make it easier for everyone and let them take your stuff cordially.’ 

Speaking from the window of their new Bugatti, your local landlord told FootNews that of the trial 50 houses they refused to put locks on, all remaining 46 students suggested satisfaction with the new project. 

One student said, ‘Hey, I’ve never been robbed, I can never forget my keys and I’ve saved 15p on the rent, I really can see no downside.’ When asked why they felt more inclined to innovate the landlording game in such a way, they pulled down their Dior sunglasses, took a drag on their cigar, and told us that they care.

And the landlord won’t stop there, in the next few years, they plan to refuse to fix leaks whilst simultaneously removing all showers; the problems really answer themselves. ‘Plugs don’t work? We’ve just saved you an electrocution bucko.’ 

@Flavien Unsplash

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